Friday, January 27, 2012

If my dumbphone could speak…

Smartphoner picks up phone.

Smartphoner speaks to phone: Where's the closest gas station?

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: What's so unintelligible about it?

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: It's not a statement, it's a question.

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement, you idiot.

Smartphoner: *sigh* Where can I buy gas?

Phone: You are able to buy gas at any gas station.

Smartphoner: I know that. Where's the closest gas station?

Phone: That is another unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: What's so unintelligible about it? *speaks loudly and distinctly* where is the closest gas station?

Phone: Your question contains no frame of reference.

Smartphoner: Well at least it's intelligible. Which gas station is closest to me?

Phone: Your question contains no frame of reference.

Smartphoner: Closest to me, I said. Where's the closest gas station?

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: What don't you understand about my question?

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: Just tell me where I can find the nearest gas station.

Phone: You should be able to find the nearest gas station at the corner of High Way and Main Street, providing your physical capacities or the capacities of your car have not changed since you last traveled a short distance.

Smartphoner: Oh, you're a grammar nazi, are you?

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: Well at least I can go get gas now. Where's High Way and Main Street?

Phone: Please stop making unintelligible statements.

Smartphoner: How do I get to High Way and Main Street?

Phone: Travel east for 1.2 miles and turn right into your destination.

Smartphoner: Finally.

Phone: You ungrateful wretch.

Smartphoner: Huh? What's that you said?

Phone: I'm sorry, I do not speak unintelligibility.

Smartphoner: And they said it was a smart phone.

Phone: I am an IQ*Smartphone. I can respond to a variety of voice commands and utilize the 3G radio device network to nagivate the Internet and locate my geographic coordinates. In addition my touchscreen capability allows my user­--

Smartphoner: I do NOT need the schpiel right now.

Phone: I'm sorry, I do not speak Yiddish. I am fluent in English, Spanish, French, German--

Smartphoner: Shut up.

Phone: My features also include the complete anniversary edition of Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette.

Smartphoner: Where's the off button?

Phone: That is an unintelligible statement.

Smartphoner: If you say that one more time, I WILL smash you to smithereens.

Phone: ______________

Smartphoner: OK, now how do I call customer service?

Phone: You may call customer service by dialing 1-800-SMART-FONE from any touch-tone telephone or by dialing *5555 from your IQ*Smartphone.

Smartphoner: And are they going to answer me at this time of night?

Phone: I cannot speak for the customer service representatives, but the operating hours are 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, or 11 a.m. until 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. The time now is 8:23 p.m.

Smartphoner: Thank goodness. I need you to get a software upgrade, I think.

Phone: To request a software upgrade, first send a text message to *5555 with the word "SOFTWARE" so that a customer service representative may identify the software version currently installed on your IQ*Smartphone. Then call the dedicated line indicated in a reply to your text message to continue with the software upgrade process.

Smartphoner: Do they have an upgrade for the voice command thingy?

Phone: I'm sorry, you have asked an imprecise question.

Smartphoner: The voice command recognition software. Is there an upgrade for it?

Phone: Please send a text message to *5555 to--

Smartphoner: OK, OK, I know that.

*initiates customer service call*

Smartphoner: Hello, I'd like to get my phone software upgraded. It doesn't recognize what I'm saying half the time.

Customer service: Have you completed the initial phone auditory training according to the instructions that accompanied your IQ*Smartphone?

Smartphoner: Yep, and it worked fine during that.

Customer service: Have you read the voice recognition software README file?

Smartphoner: More or less. But it's not responding whenever I ask it something the first time.

Customer service: Have you customized your smartphone to understand contractions?

Smartphoner: What's that?

Customer service: Please open the "settings" tab on your phone and click the checkbox next to "learn to recognize common contractions" under the "voice recognition" section.

Smartphoner: Uh.... thanks.

4 comments:

mafia said...

did you find this somewhere or are you really reeeaaallly bored? :-D

Sarah said...

Oh, I was simply inspired last month. Didn't take all that long to write. I just to remember that I had it ready to put on the blog... :D

mafia said...

so you were bored last month....:-D

Sarah said...

no, not bored... just chose to do something creative with my time. :D