I wonder who the first primitive chef was that decided, “hey! I’ll whack an avocado until I get Martian mush! And maybe I’ll dump in a little lemon juice so it stays Martian green! Hmm, I wonder what it would taste like?” and dipped a stale tortilla into it.
It makes me question the sanity of the human race.
So I discovered a few weeks ago that my local Aldi’s sells packets of real guacamole, made from real avocados. (Hopefully not made by a primitive chef.) It’s most likely my favorite chip dip, so I was quite ecstatic to find that.
And I bought some. In fact, I believe I had guacamole and chips twice for supper. Not after. For.
After a while, it dawns on me that chips and guacamole probably don’t make the healthiest meal.
But I love guacamole. And I have about half a packet getting kind of brown. You know how apples turn brown if you leave them in the air? That’s what the guacamole was doing. Only the brown on the green looked worse than a browning apple.
Still tasted good, though.
I decided to reveal my gourmet-chef side to the world in order to finish up the guacamole. What do I love to eat with guacamole? I asked myself. Cheese. You know, like mixing up a bit of nacho cheese dip with your guacamole dip and sticking a chip in the mix. Try it sometime.
And what food do I eat that has cheese in it?
Mac’n’cheese, of course.
I made a miniature recipe of my mom’s quick-and-easy mac’n’cheese. Cook the macaroni, bury a little butter in the drained pasta, bury some slices of Velveeta in there once the butter’s done, and add a little milk before sticking back on a warm burner to melt the cheese. Very easy.
My version of gourmet chef requires ease, you know. I thumb my nose at cooks who spend two hours making what will be consumed in about four minutes.
Once the mac’n’cheese achieved a desired consistency (I had to add another couple slices of cheese), I carefully dished a little out onto a plate. Presentation, you know. Can’t just be serving it straight out of the saucepan. My incredibly select clientele wouldn’t have it.
And on top of the little mountain of yellow macaroni, I sprinkled bacon bits. I saw it done somewhere one time and thought the colors looked lovely. As everyone knows, color is nine-tenths the taste of gourmet foods.
But with the red and yellow, it was too… warm. It needed something cool, a color from the other side of the spectrum. Or at least closer to the violet than your red and yellow. And that’s where my guacamole came in:
And another view:
Of course, I didn’t eat it like that. No way. (Presentation, you know, lasts only till after the prayer.) I mixed it all up like a crazed primitive chef and ended up with slightly greenish mac’n’cheese dotted with strange red specks.
But it was good. I found myself a new favorite supper recipe. And I didn’t even have to use my shrink-ray.